Nine Things Not to Say to a Gay Guy

By Justin Porter*

Hopefully at this point in 2015, almost every American has experienced their first run-in with a gay guy. Unless, of course, you don’t believe we exist, or you live under thousands of pounds of rocks.

I’m almost certain you've discovered what gay guys are like based on movies and television shows. All gay guys must be just like Neil Patrick Harris or Chris Colfer (of Glee).

So let me address some stereotypes aka what you shouldn't say to a gay man like myself:

1. “Gay guys are just so hot, why can’t straight guys be this hot?”

In case you haven’t noticed, straight men are extremely attractive, too. And gay men are straight men; they just don’t crave the same type of thing. You’re basically saying that it’s a surprise gay guys can take care of themselves and look decent.

2. “Straight guys are just so dumb. Gay guys are so much better.”

Sounds like a compliment, but it isn't. While the straights may be a simple species, at the end of the day we both have XY chromosomes. It’s just that gay guys generally have an outward respect for women, having experienced inequality ourselves.

3. “OMG! Look at that gay couple! They are sooooo cute together.”

Swerve. You don’t know our relationship, just like you don’t know most straight people’s relationships.

Say you’re walking downtown on a cold night and you see a cute couple holding hands. You then continue walking and chatting about how bad the girl in your office dresses.

But what if, instead, you saw a gay couple? Some people are inclined to whip out their iPhone and snap a few photos to their closest group message of friends saying “LOOK AT HOW CUTE THEY ARE.”

Contrary to popular belief, gay couples are just trying to enjoy relationships just as straight couples do. Sometimes we like to get a nice dinner without uneducated paparazzi following us.

4. “Aren’t you afraid of AIDS?”

No. Anyone can get AIDS. Sweeping generalizations about the entire LGBTQ+ community are cute.

Aren't you afraid of having to buy Plan B?

5. “So do you pitch or catch?”

It’s funny you ask! The answer is neither, because I’m dropping the ball on answering this question. My position(s) in bed are not for casual exchange with acquaintances.

6. “OMG! I know the perfect guy for you!”

You actually don’t. But since we’re both gay, we must be drawn together like some magnetic force, right?

7. “You have amazing style. Can you do my hair/give me advice?”

Everyone has access to the same magazines. Though I appreciate the compliment, I won’t be doing your hair or giving you advice unless there’s a check with my name on it.

8. “So who’s the girl in the relationship?”

Neither? We both like men.

9. “Let’s go shopping!!!”

I actually hate shopping. I order most of my clothes online. Why would I go to a mall filled with overpriced clothes rarely on hangers while a tornado of angsty teenagers equipped with gift cards invade?

*Justin Porter is today's guest blogger. Currently Justin is a senior at James Madison University. You can tweet him or like his photos at @jport93. He's especially interested if you want to offer him a job come this May. If you are interested in guest blogging for ATOB, email us at AsToldOverBrunch@gmail.com.