My friend visited me recently and told me she only had $40 to spend for the week. At dinner she ordered the soup du jour. She was saving up, she explained, for a bunny. She had already bought the cage, which included hardwood floors . . . . . That's almost as crazy as orchid babysitters.

I asked what she was going to name the critter. Now my friend and I bonded seasons ago over our mutual aspirations to be lawnies - a South African term for acting pretentiously rich, or so her South African boyfriend at the time told us. It's even more lawny that it's a South African term. So obviously the bunny needs a lawny name, which I excel at since I named my dog in sixth grade Guinevere (yes, of Arthurian legend). What follows is her list of possible names and my reactions.

Ashe: Other than reminding me of a brooding, slight adolescent, are you going to buy a pale bunny to be Misty? I think Willow would be a better deciduous tree to summon when christening a bunny.

Lotus: At least it's More acceptable  than the much maligned Misty (or Opal or Pearl! *shudders*). Lotus is a name better suited for a butterfly or hummingbird - both creatures someone named Lotus would own. Lotus would work on an organic farm co-op and marry Jackson. They would have three kids before 30 (another shudder) and would have a band that featured a banjo. This is heavily influenced by me once meeting a Lotus who worked for Relay Foods. Me: You were destined for this job the minute you were named.

Jackson: One of those moronic rich kids who has absolutely no idea that they're dumb and won't be rich once his parents pass because his sister is inheriting the business. Also, a golden retriever, not a bunny.

Leopold: I find no fault in this name. Leopold could date my dog Guinevere.

Harry: My friend told me not to mock this name because "a lot of rich and famous people are named that." I responded, "I attack the famous." Harry is a name of boring white privilege inbreeding.

The Name Which Shall Not Be Named: I can't share this name because of potential family fallout: A relative named her newborn this. Gah! However, I'll hint it rhymes with "Maleficent." I absolutely refused to allow this name to pass, even for a bunny. I'm sorry, *****'s of the world and my relative on my dad's side, this name reminds me a Wormtail.

Otto: Just seems a little old for a bunny. Probably because of the Ottoman Empire.

Raphael: The winner. I'm not a fan, but I've been told to fix my attitude. The bunny goes by Raphie, which is even worse because in middle school I knew a pathological liar named Raphie. But at least he's not the Name Which Shall Not Be Named. Raphie, it's on you to fix the name's reputation. Don't ruin those hardwood floors.