51 Shades of Single

We've lost the war. Valentine's Day hasn't been abolished. Even Starbucks gave in and put hearts on cups - except mine. They know I don't believe in romance - only the coldhearted order iced Americanos in February.

Here are the signs that you’re single and happy that way, thank you very much, Mom, Dad, and friends:

• You wonder why you have no single icons. Katharine Hepburn died, and George Clooney got married. (Though this is his second marriage, so he was never actually an idol. And Katharine - well, she sorta did the same thing. Crap.)
• Dating to you is like looking for something you never lost. So why are you looking for it?
• You ask if you can bring a date to your cousin's wedding - and then ask your best friend to be your date.
• Everyone thinks you're dating your best friend.
• You are profoundly offended by the notion that one reaches an age where it's just expected you’re married.
• You were raised religiously, but you reject that marriage is necessary for love.
• You often wonder why you work out so much if you're so dead set on not showing off the goods (at least on a regular basis).
• You obviously don't want kids. Or you want to adopt and don’t think you need a partner.
• At Thanksgiving, your mom tells your family that you don't know how to compromise.
• Every time you visit home, your dad asks if you've met anyone.
• You wonder where a significant other would fit in. Mondays and Wednesdays are for yoga, Tuesdays you have meetings, Thursday is for grocery shopping, and the weekend is for friends. Back off.
• You question whether you're actually really insecure or were harmed as a child. Why am I like this?
• You have life plans, and you imagine scenarios where you fall in love and then tell them, "Sorry, I have to go to Africa. I don’t want to resent you. I never promised you forever."
• You want to shoot a duck when your friends aggressively implore you to take someone on a date.
• You want to scream, WHY DO I NEED EXCUSES TO BE SINGLE?!?!
• You don't believe in gender roles.
• You certainly don't believe in diamonds. They lose half their value upon purchase. You lose all your value upon entering a relationship.
• On dates you want to inquire about the other's goals here. So you don't want a relationship, we go Dutch after the first coffee, late night texts are okay, and if you or I disappear, we feel nothing? Ditto.
• You fall even more in love when they list independence as what they want. Great! We can talk once a month.
• You do think about falling in love and then judge yourself.

• You write this list as a treatise for yourself and all other content singles (content being the key word here!!).
• You actually think you'd make a great partner - but you're a better partner with yourself.
• You are not asexual. Nor are you gay. (Though maybe you are, but that doesn't change the fact: You choose to be single. Stop worrying about me.)
• You abhor those who were single and supposedly content who then jump off the bridge…. I'm going to let you drown. They are worse than couples. They lied to you.
• You worry you'll become them.
• But as long as you're worrying, you're vigilant.
• You tabulate how much you're saving by not buying another person dinner or planning a wedding. You buy yourself a pair of new boots and maybe a flight to Greece.
• You honestly think you dress differently because you're single. You need to dress like air, fire, or water - just not earth. You will never be grounded.
• You prefer tragic love stories - where everyone dies. Or someone is left heartbroken. That's how life works, folks.
• You like chatting with people on dating apps, and you wouldn't mind grabbing coffee as friends because they seem cool. But they're on a dating app. They want too much. (Then again, why are you on dating apps?)
• You recognize the single life is easier for guys than women. Still, you gotta fight for what you want.
• You prefer an empty bed (most of the time). That way you can stretch out, and you don't have to worry whether you sleep talk or take all the sheets.
• You wonder, Will I ever change?
• You hypothesize that you've seen too many people change because of the person they’re with, and that’s what you refuse to do. Is this what you call a catch-22?
• You hope your coupled friends don't have hard feelings about this list. You can advocate for singles and support their relationship. Especially if they have an open bar at their wedding.
• You feel mildly ridiculous defending singledom with 51 reasons, but someone's gotta do it.