On Thursday night, I read a Buzzfeed article about a dress, went out for ice cream, and returned an hour later to social media overtaken by color confusion like an African virus. Seriously, who didn't either post or like a status about this phenomenon? Personally, I posted two statuses.

Anyway, I noticed six different types of people emerge:

#BlackAndBlue. You are wrong. You are either too stressed, color blind, or are a troll. You still have time to convert.

#WhiteAndGold. This is the party of truth. Congratulations, we'll have the White House next election because we're in the majority.

I see both colors! Da fuxx, are you ambidextrous? Choose a side! These are life's people-pleasing compromisers. They may also be hostage negotiators. Either way, I may like you less than the #BlackAndBlue crowd.

What is going on? You either don't have Facebook (you nonconforming cave-dweller), or you don't have enough friends. I can't empathize with either reason. For crying out loud, the Dress made it on CNN.

The world is falling apart, and all you care about is a dress (and/or llamas)?! Well, actually, yes, Mr. or Ms. High and Mighty. There's a significant portion of the population who is lying. And are you surprised we're preoccupied by the color of a dress? At least it's less vapid than the size of Kim Kardashian's gluteus. We've always been a superficial society. And so we will go out the way of Sodom, Gomorrah, and Atlantis - in white and gold, no less.

OMG, who killed _____?! #HTGAWM To the above person chastising our superficiality, this **** should annoy you even more. Some people didn't even care about the dress; they were concerned about the season finale of a show. So off topic! And I'll tell you who killed ____ (I'm not sure if this character's death is a spoiler since I don't watch "How To Get Away With Murder," so I'm just censoring it): Shonda Rhimes killed her off in the producers' room! What a cold-hearted killer.