My parents’ friend’s son is getting married this month. I knew about his engagement before my parents because I use Facebook. I assumed I’d be invited because we’re childhood besties. I mean, we haven’t played tag since fifth grade, but what’s a decade and a half?

I liked the ring photo. Good work, dude. (He proposed while they were “vacationing” in Antigua. I call that a pre-honeymoon.)

Last month I discovered I was invited – but not as myself. I was invited as my parents’ plus one.

Here I was, worried I wouldn’t get a plus one, never worried I would actually be someone else’s plus one, let alone my parents’.

The invitation was addressed to “Mr. and Mrs. Williams + Cazey.” I don’t even live with my parents. I live under my own roof, on my own income, two hours away from my childhood. And I’m listed last? It’s me he played with in elementary school, not my parents. It’s my parents who put us in timeout. What is this?

Anyway, I promptly got over my annoyance because this meant I didn’t have to buy a wedding gift. I’d leave that to my parents. I was just a plus one.

Last night I was bored and decided to check out their wedding website. Mind you, since I wasn’t invited and never received a physical invitation (just my mom calling to tell me “Teddy invited us all to his wedding”), I had to Google “Teddy Jones wedding Williamsburg Sarah.” It didn’t pop up. I added “May.” Whew, there it was: A Knot.com website. Classic.

Sarah & Teddy

May 27, 2016

25 days to go!

After deciding the reception location would make for a great Instagram panorama (sunset on the water? I already knew which filters I could use), I clicked over to the registry. (There were only three tabs: “Our Wedding,” “Registry,” and “Photos.” And there were no photos under “Photos.”) Where oh where had Teddy and Sarah decided to register…

I only scrolled for a moment, bored by the suggestions – serving spoons and wineglasses – until I stopped at a $100 “platinum open vegetable bowl.” What is a vegetable bowl? And in what world does a vegetable bowl demand $100?

Wait for it: they wanted two vegetable bowls.

Below that was a $45 gravy boat stand. Not the gravy boat, just the stand!

The gravy boat itself was $95.

Teddy and Sarah are my age. How often do they serve gravy!?

I kept scrolling. $14.99 serving forks (requested: 1, purchased: 0), monogrammed stemless wineglasses ($59.99 for a set of four!), a $65 pair of Kate Spade New York flute glasses, a $300 14-piece cookware set…

I imagined if I was my mom and I was supposed to buy them something for their big day. I promptly tweeted, “@KateSpadeNY, these prices are absurd! Only two flute glasses?!”

Finally, I found a $10 four-piece margarita set. That’s more like it. I’d get them that. Of course it was already bought (requested: 1, purchased: 1).

And then there was a stainless steel rice cooker (10 cups of rice!). It was $30. I could justify that.

But then I saw the gold crown of the list. The king’s ransom. Something I would blush to ask a friend to buy me (at least friends in my tax bracket!):

A $350 KitchenAid mixer.

Who do Teddy and Sarah hang out with? The Trumps? The Hiltons? Certainly not the Williams!

I thought $300 for a cookware set was high, but okay, it is 14 pieces, but this is one piece of metal. It makes cookies. $350?????? What in the hell are they blending? Diamonds?! And who’s going to front that and not choke like me? Not your parents, because they’re paying for the wedding.

I decided to look up another friend’s registry who was getting married (another friend whose wedding I wasn’t invited to…I can’t imagine why people don’t invite me with an attitude like this). I wondered if Teddy and Sarah were delusional or if I was.

I felt comforted to see a $28.44 enameled cast iron skillet on this friend’s registry only for my eyes to pop: I meant it was $284.99. DA FUXX? It’s a skillet! That’s the cost of a one way trip to Iceland with WowAir!

I scrolled furiously. Okay, phew, I saw $14 wash towels from Target. I would buy them two towels, even three. Maybe even throw in a bath towel for $27.

And then I saw it. The monster from before.

A KitchenAid 5-Qt. Artisan Design Series BLENDER with a glass bowl.

I would throw that bowl at the wall. At least this mixer was $320.

Future advice for any of my close friends getting married soon: if you put a blender/mixer/what-have-you on your wedding registry, I will call you out so fast, you’ll hope you’re in that blender. And it’s an industrial blender, so I doubt there’s hope for you.

I texted my friend who is getting married and whose wedding I am part of this advice. She responded by sending a picture. Of a box. With the words “KitchenAid” on it.

Me aloud on my bed: “You’ve got to be kidding me…”

Friend: “My blender came today.”

Me: “How much was it?!?!”

Hers was $400. I quickly Googled how high these things went. I found one for $700. I lost hope in love. (Not the first time in my life.)

Admittedly, my friend’s grandma bought hers. But, as my friend put it, “Is it even a registry without a KitchenAid mixer?”

Me: “I think brides want a blender more than they want a ring.”

“My future grandchildren will clearly never bring their grumpy uncle Cazey cookies,” she replied.

“God forbid they hand mix them,” I replied.

My parents did not bring a mixer to Teddy’s wedding. They brought the flute glasses.