When I was 14, my dad bought me a cockatiel. Abigail was four weeks old, too young to come home, so I visited her everyday in the pet shop. She was my child.

I didn't know she was also my mail-order bride.

You're about to gain some avian knowledge: Firstly, female birds can lay eggs. You're probably like, "I knew that . . ." But here's the trivia: They don't have to. A bird only lays an egg if she is a.) healthy and b.) comfortable/stable/dumb enough to think she's found a good nest and mate.  (And when birds lay egg(s), no, it is not going to hatch unless there's a male to fertilize it. Immaculate conceptions don't happen in birdcages.)