The One True Hero of Tonight [guest post]

By Cazey Williams Tonight I visited our friend, Sara (assuming we’re all friends if you’re reading this blog), and she basically ignored me while she worked on an upcoming blog (salacious tidbit: it’s about Ebola). And so, since I’m a millennial, I can’t occupy myself, so I turned to the TV where ABC was playing some Game of Thrones spinoff. Except, wait, it’s a reality show.

Yes, folks . . . that doesn’t make sense, does it?

Consequently, we decided that I should narrate this experience of watching “The Quest,” otherwise known as “Lord of the Rings” on primetime ABC featuring bad actors and LARPers escaped from their mothers’ basements, for Tweets & Mascara’s first ever pop culture blog.

This show might already be better than “The Bachelor,” because their first task in tonight’s episode is to kill a dragon.

“You can hear the dragon breathing and feel the earth shaking,” a woman tells us. No, ma’am, that’s the camera work.

Contestant Lina makes a “stupid mistake.” Quote unquote her. Gosh, the dragon might eat her.

At this point we can’t even see the dragon. There are just a lot of fog machines. Wait, I’m probably supposed to mistake that for smoke.

“I hope everyone is having this problem,” a man tells the camera (presumably after the chaos has subsided), “because if not, I’ll look like a fool.” Because you aren’t freaking out about a CGI dragon or anything. If it’s even CGI. If we even see it.

“I have to remind myself what I’m fighting for,” a burly man vents in his video diary. Like, what are you fighting for, sir? A cash prize? Tickets to Comic Con? Or is it Galleons at Gringotts?

Following the dragon saga (which not sure what happened), we learn that our contestants have to face the Fates who primarily consist of a youthful, but bald woman who stares into the camera and whispers stuff about the quest – you know, the name of the show. Very self-explanatory stuff.

“We just gotta focus on the Fates now,” a woman who looks like Zena lets us know. “We just gotta remember, we locked up the dragon, we’re good now.” So that’s what happened to the dragon.

Apparently everyone wants to be the one true hero. This phrase is repeated at every turn. Someone informs the viewer, “They’re other things that a hero needs to possess to be the one true hero.” But you don’t need 20/20 vision if you’re a Harry Potter fan.

Sara laments, “The amount of times I’ve heard ‘one true hero’ is sorta surreal.” Not as surreal as that dragon.

Then they discuss who has the sun sphere. Gtfo. I go to the bathroom.

When I return, our contestants are going after the, sigh, dragon’s eggs. How is this primetime television again?

"We get to this barren field with these deep pits,” contestant Bonnie describes as the camera lets us see a barren field with deep pits. In these pits are the eggs, which will burn you if you touch them. Thanks for letting us know.

“After getting up to the dragon egg, you can smell it,” Zena’s twin says. Tell me, Zena, what does dragon smell like?

Back at the Fates, someone gets voted out. Excuse me, banished. Or was she Fate’d?

Bye-bye – but wait, she has wisdom for us: “Being a hero doesn’t mean you have to go and save an entire kingdom. You can be a hero in your everyday life.” Or star in your own ABC reality show.

Bonnie will now live action role play as a motivational speaker.

After watching this show for an entire hour (though distracted by a dog that wants a walk and Sara bending over chip dip in front of the TV), I’m still confused.

Over-Synched

Five years ago, I decided that I needed a Mac over a PC because it "fit better with my major." Then when it was (finally) time for me to get a smartphone, I considered nothing other than the iPhone. When my grandparents offered to get me an iPad, I jumped at the offer. So by the time I made it back to Virginia to start my job, I had three Apple products, and loved them all. Then it got a little bit more excessive when I started my new job, where they gave me a laptop PC (he doesn't fit in, but I allow him to be in the family anyway), a work iPad and a work iPhone. So that brings up my Apple count to 5. A little bit crazy, but it gets a bit worse.

My mother, who sometimes turns out to be strangely advanced with technology, nagged me WEEKS ON END (hi, mom) to upgrade my Mac Book. My normal response was, "yeah, whatever," "I don't even use it anymore," and basically any other way of succinctly suggesting that I was too busy (but more like too lazy). Then one day the nagging happened when my computer was open, so I gave in.

Then, on Christmas, my gift from my parents was an Apple TV, which is why my computer needed to be updated. I wired it all together and then hooked up my personal Apple products to the TV. That's only three, so it's not weird or anything (ok, fine, it's excessive).

Anyways, now that we've got an inventory of my wares, let's move on. It's been nice having the Apple TV (and a borrowed Netflix password), but things got a little hectic lately. I decided to watch some Netflix, but also wanted to do a bit of research, as I am trying to find a way to travel abroad cheaply without having to sell myself out.

I got my Jeffrey Dahmer documentary going on my tv and a few pages up on my computer. Then I thought, why in god's name did I put on this serial killer's documentary?? And went to go turn it off with the little remote that comes with the Apple TV.

That's when it all got hairy. I would click the center button and side buttons to search for tv shows on Netflix and my computer would turn the music on and off. Songs were switching back and forth like it forgot to take its ADD meds.

All my signals were getting crossed because I may have gone overboard on my synching. Now everything in my room talks to each other, except for my poor little work PC, bless its heart. I can't even begin to tell you how crazy it makes me trying to navigate through all the episodes of How I Met Your Mother available with songs switching on and off, the volume going up and down, and it pausing and playing all the time.

Such a total #FirstWorldProblem I can't even handle it.

An Open Letter to Contestants on the Bachelor

Dear women of the Bachelor, Honey, we can do better. Maybe some third-perspective can help you see how much of a train wreck you've become.

While you have already given up most of your dignity from agreeing to date the same man as 26 other women on national television, try to keep a shred of it by refraining from crying when you get voted out.

But surely the two group dates where we amassed a total of ten minutes of conversation alone has solidified my undying love for you.

No. No, you're not in love. So gather the few shreds of dignity you dropped and walk out with your head up and stop the waterworks. You're embarrassing women everywhere. Be strong and confident, and take a sigh of relief that you're no longer practicing polygamy.

Also, think of the probability when you go in there. The odds aren't fantastic that you'll win in the first place, so don't act like you couldn't have guessed this would happen. One in a twenty seven chance of winning isn't a bet most people would gamble on.

Please also refrain from muttering any semblance of, "I just hate sharing my boyfriend." Dude, you signed up for this. What exactly were you expecting when enrolled in the Bachelor? Also, does a group date or two really constitute him being your boyfriend?

And finally, please stop whining that he's kissing other chicks than you. Do you really want to be the sixth lady he's made out with on a group date? How special do you really think it'll be to him?

Well, on second thought, I take it all back. Keep being total hot messes. The show wouldn't be quite the same without you fretting over every single minute of your current existence.