Unrequited, but Rational (I Swear)

By Cazey Williams Today in Starbucks I thought I saw you. Of course it couldn’t be you, because you’re on another continent, and I’m here pursuing the practical path of PhD student. But let’s not pretend I forgot about you.

The synopsis is short. I liked your best friend, but then I met you. (Your friend foretold we would get along, not that that matters.) You invited me to your hometown and entranced me. I should’ve kissed you, but I didn’t. I tried to hang out with you again, but you always said, “Rain chk plz”…unless your best friend was around.

You (the reader this time) would think this is an open-and-shut case; she didn’t like me, and maybe this is true, but I offer up the defense.

The Monday after I should have kissed you, I saw your best friend. She had no idea we had been together, though I knew you two had been texting.

You edited a literary magazine. I submitted this story. I called it “The Hardest Glass” – because your friend told me, in a Gchat, that you’re the hardest glass to break. I had to pull an Ian McEwan (Atonement, anyone?) and fabricate a “happier” ending where the boy and girl reunite, though not for good. Never for good. You’re not someone I see ever being somewhere, with someone, for good. And you probably take that as a compliment. You should.

Maybe you read my story, because you invited me to your party. I came, we chatted, but I never want anyone to know I have affection, so I left. I did that to you several times. I want to say we’re both cowards, but in hindsight, it’s one-sided.

I resent myself for remembering these trivial details. I am a rational person. I haven’t seen you in over a calendar year. Yet here I am taken aback to see your ghost in Starbucks. It’s not a frequent longing; I only comb your Facebook photos every six months, less often than I judge my high school peers I haven’t seen in over half a decade. But I resent myself (I backspaced over the word hate) because it is every six months. You should be forgotten by then, like every other lust/crush I’ve ever had.

And I hate myself because when I post things on social media, I wonder if you’ll see it, and what you’ll think, and if you’ll like it, though I know you won’t, even though I like your things methodically, only things that I can objectively justify for liking. I wonder if you’ll see this.

I worry I’m creepy. Okay, I know I am “creepy” from the removed standpoint of observer. But because I recognize this, am I less creepy? And why can’t I get over you? Why are you in all the songs on my Spotify? “Stubborn Love,” “Riptide,” “I Already Forgot Everything You Said.” And “Stay With Me.” And “Coeur D’Alene.”

And because I can’t get rid of you, I wonder (read: wish) do you have the same thoughts? And because I’m a rational person, I know you don’t. But because I over think things, because I’m a rational person, if I can so irrationally hold onto a crush (and no one here is mistaking this for love/romance/butterflies and strawberries), then you could, too. But you don’t. And neither should I.

Yet I continue to over think you. I rationalize you. I don’t like you; I like your ideal: The bonafide bohemian, the wanderlust millennial. You travel by moon’s phases and morning’s impulses, and I, I live by Google Calendars and emails. I want that, not you.

That makes me feel more rational.

Five Weirdest Notes in My Notes Section on my Phone

As a writer, I like to think that brilliancy can strike at any time. When it does, I write it down in my notes section of my phone. Then I go back when I'm at a computer and further flesh out those ideas. Those prompts make up most of my blog posts. However, sometimes I sit down and go through my notes, and then wonder why in the hell I thought I would ever want to delve deeper into some of these topics. Here are five really lame blog post ideas that I took time to write down:

1. Beer (Title): UNITA brewing porter (description). I wanted to start reviewing more products for my blog, and thought the Beer Expo was going to be a good place to start. I planned on keeping a list of best and worst beers to write about, but (as you can probably infer) I got too distracted with drinking and trying out an insane amount of sour cream dips that I wrote down a whopping list of one beer that I either did or did not like.
2. Paddleball (Title): So the paddleball resurfaced since the move and it's better than ever (description). Awhile ago, I wrote a post about the Christmas paddleball tradition in my family. More recently, my roommate found it after a heavy night of drinking (milk) and was trying it out. It was hilarious. I mean, tears rolling hilarious. I even took a video (still cracks me up). So I sent the video to several people, and literally the only person that thought it was mildly humorous was my mother. Guess you had to be there.
3. One-year anniversary (Title): When I started this blog a little over a year ago, my primary purpose was to articulate all the changes going on in my life (description). So this one was really well-intentioned, and to this day I am still brainstorming a way to make sense of this post. I really did start this blog as a documentation of the transition from college to work-life, but I always thought the blog would have a switch in focus. For example, I thought I would focus less on lessons learned, less on how much change I'm going through and definitely less about the mistakes I made and how to avoid them. However, I still learn a lot about life every day. My life is constantly changing. And I still make mistakes, get homesick, mess up normal adult activities, etc. I don't think those themes are ever going to go away. And I really hope they don't because having things change is a good thing, and learning is a great thing. I guess my one-year anniversary post could be about the misconception I had of adulthood (that has potential, right?).
4. Blog (Title): I don't understand why people think they can walk all over you and then act surprised when you walk away (description). Obviously, this one needed a ton of work, as it didn't even get a title. But I also almost immediately knew I would never blog about that. I have a basic rule for my blog that I don't (or try ridiculously hard not to) sub-blog about people (or more-so, a situation in this case). I never want someone to read a post and think, "There she goes airing our dirty laundry." If it's my own dirty laundry, then yes, I shall air it to whoever listens, but I just don't think its appropriate or fair to include stories about people when their view isn't represented. The world needs a lot less of people complaining about people, so that's my blogging rule.
5. Concept (Title): Union of all different plants. New ones have to wear suits to ensure they don't have viruses that only get tested at a certain age. Meet Will Smith look alike, distant yet welcoming...(description). This one goes on...and on...and on. I heard once that if you have a dream and want to remember it, you shouldn't move a lot when you wake up, and then write it all down. So I quickly typed out everything I could remember about the dream. None of it was as cool as it was when I dreamed it, but I was pretty positive I could recreate it when the time was right. The time is definitely not right, nor am I sure the time will ever be right.

What's Your Worst Quality?

So I haven't gotten this interview question since applying to be a camp counselor in high school, but have long since been practicing an answer to this question anyway. How do you answer "What's your worst quality?" in a way that doesn't totally suck? My answer from high school was a total basic bitch answer of "I am a people person and try to make everyone around me happy, even if that means I'm not happy." Not only does that not really apply to my personality, but it's also like the number one bad answer to that question.

Should I ever be put on the spot for this question, I'm wondering if my inability to get my "who" vs. "that" problem under control is applicable? Is being able to readily name one of my biggest grammatical flaws a strong enough answer to this question? Because in my mind, this just means I am in tune with myself, but also shows that I have great grammar skills to know that it's an issue.

I could even elaborate about how I would CTRL + F my work everyday to double check for any "that" "who" issues. I had a post-it note on my computer to remind myself to do it. And now I can almost always get it right on the first try after being called out on it so often, and learning to mercilessly scour my work for it. So there is even a success story at the end of this proposed answer.

I'm starting to this is the only really good answer possible to the "What's your worst quality?" question because it points out a clear flaw (but not a land mine of an answer), but also highlights what I do to combat my problem, which seems to me like a recipe for a good answer.

Recognition of a minor flaw + how you will/have fixed it = success.

Welcome Back!

Okay, so yes, I just welcomed myself back to my own blog. I'd love to say that I've spent these past 4-ish months discovering myself in a far away place or working hard after a crazy promotion or really anything exciting -- but nope, I just took a break for no real reason. If you scroll back a bit down the page, or click here, you may have already seen the writing on the wall. I could feel my creativity dying, which is actually a pretty terrifying feeling. One of my biggest self-proclaimed assets is my spark. Whether it's a tiny victory or a really big one, I can have a massive spark that ignites a whole project into action. And since I wasn't feeling that spark, I couldn't really keep going.

Now that I'm done tooting my own horn (beep-beeeeep), Id' like to give you a low down on my plan for this blog:

• Much like most bloggers are supposed to do, I'm going to write.
• I've already committed myself for at least 10 new posts, with an ongoing list of things that I want to write about.
• To prove the above statement, here are 3 topics: wisdom teeth, Ebola and the Gold's Gym motto. Yup, going to be a ride.
• I may even renew my domain name, but I've got a healthy amount of time to decide if I'm ready for another year-long commitment.
• I'm going to diversify my topics. Since I'm not fresh out of college (eek, nobody likes you when you're 23, right?), I don't think its pertinent to focus on transition, as this is like my "real life" now, I guess.

So that's my commitment to this, so please stay tuned! I hope your thoughts aren't "Oh shit, I thought we got rid of her."

Creativity Hiatus

My blog as fallen silent as of late, which is weird because I think of it often. Almost once a day, I think boy, I really need to write. But I couldn't. And I have no idea why. Can creativity just take a break? I've had tremendous writers block, where every topic I wanted to talk about just simply didn't feel right. One of my mentors at my new job left me with the parting wisdom of: If it feels right, then it probably does. If it doesn't feel right, then it isn't. Somehow writing hasn't felt right lately, and it's impossible for me to pinpoint why.

I used to come home everyday with a list of topics that would make great blog posts. At any time, there would be three to five ideas written up, with specific examples, that I would just need to recount for the post. As of late, nothing has felt "written," and I didn't want to force it. Everything used to inspire me and make me want to share it, and now everything feels like something I'd like to internalize and store away.

But hopefully the freeze is starting to thaw. Nothing is worse than feeling like one of your passions is losing its fire. Ever since I was in first grade, I loved to write. It can't die this quickly.

And I think that is the significance that tomorrow's blog post holds for me. A spark reminded me of my passion. Pure, elated, childish passion, which makes you feel like you can change the world. And I am so excited to share it with you all tomorrow.

A Really Pathetic Poem

Like I was saying in a previous blog post, Writing About Writing, I adore writing, but am highly limited in regards to my success in a variety of styles. To strengthen my point, I am about to take one for the team, willingly allow myself to be embarrassed, and share a poem I wrote. In my own defense, I happened to write this after a long evening of consuming a certain beverage, and was rather stressed about work. Without further adieu, here is probably the worst poem you've ever read: I'd drink away my problems but I don't have the finances for it.

So instead it's just me and the ceiling having a staring contest.

I'd toss it all away and start again, but I've tried that and everything finds it way back.

Back where? Back home?

If home is where the heart is but my heart isn't in one place, does that make me homeless?

Let's just burrow that thought back down into the recesses for another loneliness.

Now let's just break this poem down. First off, I wrote it when I had been drinking, so the first line is not even factual. The second line is accurate EVERY NIGHT as I lay down to sleep, and there really is no actual qualm about it. Third line, well I have moved but not much is creeping in on me at the moment. Nor do I actually have any demons that could even make their way out of any closets. And let's just wrap up this emo laden poem by saying that I actually have a home. It's Richmond. And if that doesn't count, I can always go back to my home in Connecticut.

Beyond the content not even making sense, it says something that I can only attempt to write poetry when I'm not in my normal state of mind, because normal me knows that's something to avoid. Furthermore, is this even a poem? Nothing rhymes. There's no symbolism. The general message is barely there. I will be willing accepting rotten tomatoes for this disgrace to the poetic writing form.