I’m a passive participant on the dating scene. What that means is (at least by my definition), I maintain several dating profiles, but I rarely message anyone unless they’re Aphrodite incarnate. Still, I won’t deny you can find me swiping right and left late at night.

However, if someone messages me, I tend to respond. Unless you show red flags or resemble a bore.

In the cases below, I should have not engaged. But then we wouldn’t have this post, would we?

You may remember this conversation from a previous post:

Rachel: “Hey, I'm Rachel :-) I would assume a lot of women start out with a hypothetical relationship question, but I'm curious.. say it were the end of the world, and we were the last 2 people, and there was nothing to eat except for the little bunny in front of us, how would you kill me for the food?"

Me (after collecting myself): “Well, that’s one way to make an intro. So killing the bunny isn’t an option? I have to kill you?”

Rachel: “Well, the bunny is food, and we’re still strangers.. Sooo…”

Me: “We need to fix that. Good friends make for good food.”

Rachel: “Wait… so becoming friends with you means you’re going to eat me? That sounds dangerous for myself?”

This is when I wanted to insert, “Betch, you suggested cannibalism first!” Instead, I replied: “Let’s start over. I’m thinking you meant to ask how I’d kill the bunny, not how I’d kill you? Because I probably wouldn’t resort to cannibalism if it was the end of the world.”

Rachel: “Haha.. especially if you had the bunny there. Hahahah!! Let’s start over. I’m Rachel, and I just spent Easter playing fetch with my pup. Haha! How is your Easter?”

Yes, readers, this conversation happened on Easter Sunday. That’s why I couldn’t kill the bunny.

Another entertaining conversation happened via Coffee Meets Bagel (which I recently realized I always write in my blog posts as Bagel Meets Coffee, whoops!). “Katie” and I started with normal introductions, discussing our jobs, where we’ve traveled, and what we studied in college. I then asked the simple question:

“So what do you do for fun?”

Katie: “I do anything…. I just moved back after being in Durham for 5 years so honestly I don’t even know yet. In college I just drank a lot haha”

And we’re done.

Hobbies aren’t supposed to be something you can’t remember – unless you suffered a traumatic brain injury while snowboarding or something.

Honestly, I was not going to reply, but then curiosity got the better of me. So eight hours later, I messaged back:

“Did alcohol make you forget your hobbies?”

Katie: “Hahaha well, alcohol WAS one of my hobbies. But I also did gymnastics for fun and I like to stay active, like go to the gym, etc. But I hate bugs so I only like to hike in the winter lol. I like to do puzzles too, like the ones in books, not jigsaw puzzles, though I like those too haha”

KATIE, STOP TALKING. This hole keeps getting deeper. Or maybe I’m just a judgmental prick.

Katie then asks, “What about you?”

Me: “Haha I like hiking, but bugs don’t bother me as much (other than spiders, no morning hikes to avoid spider webs). But overall, I’m into working out (yoga, lifting) and then creative writing – I run a blog with my best friend, and I craft stories just for fun.”

(It’s all about word choice, folks. I craft; I don’t write.)

Katie: “Wow you’re so much more interesting than me. Tell me a story!”

The actual hell? I suddenly felt like a babysitter. I followed up by sending Katie a blog post about the time Sara and I visited the Church of Scientology.

Katie replied: “We should go on a weekend adventure!”

In hindsight, I should have gone on an adventure with Katie, but at the time I thought she might drag me onto a drinking binge instead of an actual adventure. I know, readers, I should have done it for the story. For you all. For this blog.

Our conversation soon dissipated when we discussed meeting up – since I’m awful at messaging on dating apps. Guilty I did plea.