Gym Offenders, Part III

This is hopefully the end of my list on gym offenders, but knowing gym goers, it probably isn't.

Offender 8: The Pack Hounds

Similar to the romantic couples that work out, these are the groups that work out together. Except "work out" is a generous term. There will be three or more dudes to one piece of equipment. One will be using the equipment and the others will stand off to the side or, worse, sit on another piece of equipment and not use it (that's an offense in and of itself!). I'm not even sure your cells are respirating.

One time I saw seven guys hovering around a bench. Seven. I almost asked if they had found the Ark of the Covenant. Do all of you need to spot this one person with his 30-pound barbell? 

Why is your pack mentality offensive? Because 1.) You're Offender 6: Personal Space Invaders to the nth power. I can't raise my arms without smacking the resting audience watching the alpha move a dumbbell.

And 2.) Intimidation factor. There are multiples of you and one of me. When you - as in, collectively you - ask how many sets I have left, I am inclined to whisper, "Do you want my wallet, too? Here's my social security card. And my lunch."

And hell, let's throw in a conditional 3.) Depending on whether the pack hounds are all on the same fitness level, we have to wait for them to unload the bar each time they switch out on the equipment. Rip Van Winkle might finish his snooze by the time you all are done switching in and out.

Offender 9: Conversation Starters

These are the people you run into and somewhat know and then they ask you how your mom is doing. Or what did you think of that project last week?

It is one thing to say, "Hi, what's up?" and it is another to ask me something that requires a paragraph response. I am trying to exercise muscles other than my tongue.

Offender 10: Water Fountain Hogs

At my gym, the water fountains come in pairs. Usually one is higher than the other. The point is, two people should be able to use the water fountain at the same time.

Except there are these resource protectors who stand at the water fountain with a wide stance blocking anyone else's approach to the second water fountain. Or they bend down with their butt in front of one fountain and their torso in front of the other.

Dudes, I'm all about personal space, but you are being selfish. I didn't know you had two mouths to water. Wait, you don't.

Let me rest at the watering hole, too. There's enough water for both of us.

Offender #11: Me

Last Sunday I squatted a personal record (I won't brag on here what it was!) and so, feeling victorious, my mind was in other places while unracking the barbell. In particular I totally disregarded the laws of physics and unloaded one end of the barbell, not paying attention to the colossal load on the other end.

Cue me removing the last plate from the one end of the barbell and watching in horror as the bar swung upward. Unable to move, I gawked as the barbell somersaulted and CRASHED onto the bench beside the squat rack.

This was me in effect: (video clip)

Someone had been sitting on that bench only seconds before. I am not lying when I write, I could have killed someone.

No one clapped. I just cringed/smirked/stared until I found the ability to move and finish unloading the rest of the barbell on the floor. At least no one asked me to spot them after that.