The Transcontinental Never-Ending Pizza Party

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Yesterday I was in New England seeing lighthouses and moose and stuff, which will probably be a future post. At around 8 PM, after I nodded off in the passenger seat of my friend  Petrina’s car, I awoke to a text from my friend Justin that he just got a free pizza along a screenshot of the below tweet.

Me: “Did you really?”

Justin: “Yes, they just delivered.”

Could this really be true? Could a pizza be in my hands in a tweet and an emoji?

So I tweeted,

Even though I was riding down I-95 in Maine.

I got tweeted to authorize some app called fooji to creep on my Twitter, but it's not like I was selling my soul to Satan, so click-click. And then it wanted my name, address, social security number, etc.

I obviously didn't want the pizza right then since I was in Maine and had just devoured a juvenile elephant in Thai food, but maybe I could get a coupon for later? I put in my Richmond, VA address.

And then I got texted:

Breaking News: Your Seamless order is being prepared. Our crystal ball estimates your delivery time between 9:10 PM and 9:20 PM.

Oh no.

I quickly logged back onto whatever site and changed my address to my friend's Massachusetts address. We would be home at approximately 9:15 PM, so maybe we could intercept this pizza.

Me: "It's okay to speed."

But what if this pizza went to Richmond? Where 1.) I was not located and 2.) neither were my roommates.

What would I tell the delivery driver? Put it in the bushes?

Meanwhile, I sent Sara this deal, too. She received a pizza shortly later with ham, pineapples, and clementines. Yes, clementines.

No worries, I would have my pizza soon enough. Right? This wouldn't be another Uber fiasco. Would it?

My friend/driver, Petrina, was not a believer. "I don't think the pizza is actually coming," she told me.

Me: "It's totally coming. These are the times we live in."

Petrina: "But who's paying for it?"

Me: "This is just how Twitter works."

But seriously, while this is a grand idea, how does free pizza inspire me to go see How To Be Single? Which is a movie? I think? The hashtag #HTBSPromotion had me thinking it was a TBS show.

And how is free pizza even related to being single? Generally when you are single, no one is buying you free anything. I would know this. I am single.

Anyway, I got another text around 9 PM as we exited I-95 to Framingham, MA that my pizza was on its way. Yes, we would be home in time!

And then I got a call.

From Ashland, VA.

Driver: "Hello, I'm downstairs with your pizza."

Me: "Hi, so problem: I am currently in New England and didn't mean to send the pizza to Richmond, but my roommates will be home soon and will get it. You can leave it on the porch? I'm so sorry, no one's home to tip you. You're welcome to help yourself to a slice."

Heck, he could have the whole pizza. What was I going to do?

Petrina: "I told you, there is no free pizza!"

Me: "There is, too! It's just not here in Massachusetts."

Petrina: "That's not the same thing."

Me: "I'll get us a free pizza here."

Petrina: "I don't believe you."

Me: "Can I make you a Twitter?"

While Sara and company polished off their free Hawaiian Pizza, I continued my scheming. Fifteen minutes later, Petrina had Twitter on her phone, a Twitter account, and her first tweet, all courtesy me. She would repay me in free pizza.

Soon enough Petrina's phone buzzed. The pizza was on its way.

Me: "I told you! We will have ourselves a pizza by 10:30."

Several minutes later, we lay on couch flipping channels when I noticed Petrina nodding off. "You can't go to sleep," I said. "You have to be awake for the free pizza."

Four hundred miles away, Sara headed home aka to my apartment. Upon our doorstep lay a pizza box.

You can see in our other roommate Liz's hands the pizza Sara received earlier. And there is my pizza!

Me: "Is there a slice missing?!"

Sara: "Nope."

And then Petrina's phone buzzed. OUR PIZZA WAS HERE! A happy ending was upon us. Victoriously, I returned from tipping our deliveryman with a large pepperoni pizza and mozzarella sticks.

Petrina: "You were right. We got a pizza."

That we did. In fact, I got two.