Run-Ins with Would-Be Lovers, Part II

Last post I discussed an unfortunate side effect of using dating apps, i.e. running into someone whose profile you've seen online. This is more awkward if you happen to have actually matched with the person and then you bump into each other in public.

I'm surprised this hasn't happened more often to me. I use dating apps like magazines in a doctor's office. I'm constantly browsing when bored. But it's not like I'm about to either a.) read the full article or b.) ask for a subscription. Simply, I collect matches like a fantasy football league, and just like with football, I don't play the game. I just sit on the bench.

However, I do skim the article if we match, which brings us to "Julie." Julie is listed as in an open relationship:

"Full disclosure: I'm happily married. It is an open relationship, and I am just looking for people to have fun with. I don't want to be your girlfriend."

Apparently I failed to catch this when I was swiping, or else I probably would have swiped left. Except who am I kidding? Ever since this incident has happened, I tend to "experimentally" swipe right to "open relationship" profiles, and I tend to get a lot of matches with this type. Do I come across as the ménage à trois sort of person?

Anyhow, I forgot about Julie as soon as I left her profile. Until she messaged me.

"Hey so this is the part where I message you because I recognize you from real life and I'm feeling awkward about it. Haha. I work in your building and I've seen you around."

Julie, can you do less?

What am I supposed to say to that? First of all, are we really trying to process this "awkward" (that you're making more awkward - if it was even awkward before you sent this message??), or are you trying to pursue this non-girlfriend business? Secondly, I don't recognize you. I'm not going to call you a liar, because I'm bad with faces, but - JEEZ, JULIE, you made this awkward! That's why you feel awkward.

Me: "Hey. You did look familiar to me, but I couldn't place it. What floor are you in the building?"

This is where the reader asks Cazey why the heck he is pursuing small talk. And then why does Julie continue it?! She guesses what school program I'm in and then asks how I like it, and can we be done here? I would block Julie if there wasn't now this possibility where I am trapped in an elevator with her tomorrow morning.

Thankfully, I never run into Julie. Or at least I don't remember running into her. Honestly, I've never seen her before.

Except, of course, I showed this conversation to my friends who do recognize Julie. They also question my taste in women. To their and my credit, Julie is more Girl with the Dragon Tattoo, and I am more smitten by the Claire Underwood type.

So this week, my friends and I are walking into my building when the one prods me: "Is that Julie?"

At first I have no idea who my friend is talking about, but then I spot the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo entering the building simultaneously with us. And you know when you want the conversation to continue flowing from your lips so it is not apparent that you are totally caught off guard, but all you can manage is, "Uh, so you know, um"? That is me. And then Julie is trailing us to elevator, and that cannot happen. This 30-foot stroll from the front doors to the elevator bank is enough "um, uh"-ing.

We take the stairs to our office. All seven flights.