Yesterday Facebook told me my friend was in a relationship. However, the other partner in this crime had yet to confirm the details, so I couldn’t stalk her beau.

Today I checked back to see who the mystery suitor was – except now there’s nothing. The crime scene has been cleaned up. Facebook simply provides me the option of asking for her relationship status.

Excuse me, but what is that?

First of all, I only request my best friends’ relationship status when I’m bored at 10 PM on a Tuesday and obviously I already know they’re as single as that fifteenth cookie in a box of Samoas when the serving size is two. And when you ask for a relationship status, Facebook prompts you to return the favor by sharing your own status. As if the “You’re single, I’m single, let’s hook up” thing actually works.

Hear, hear, I am calling for a census of relationships. Just like Caesar conducted a tax census 2014 years ago (give or take a few), it is time to enumerate the number of couples in America. Put it on Facebook. That is where the layman looks to see if the cute girl he met last night is available.

Or if Ryan and Kelly broke up because they haven’t posted an Instagram together in two weeks.

I know couples who aren’t Facebook friends – because why? I’m sure they have a more nuanced response, but what I read between the lines off their lips is “That would ruin the illusion; I might actually know my boyfriend if I extended a friend request. But will you, my friend, add my significant other on Facebook and spy for me?”

Or let’s discuss couples of TWO YEARS whose status is not public. As if we can’t click through your profile pictures, and wait, Dan and Mary are in their last TEN profs together. Do you think they’re serious? Oh wait, they’ve gone from NO RELATIONSHIP STATUS to ENGAGED.

Oh, I hear you: You don’t need Facebook to prove you’re in a relationship? Great to know, I love that. You’re really making an upstanding argument for how social media dictates millennials’ lives, and I think you’re a much stronger couple for it. You fight that mainstream! Meanwhile, see above: WE KNOW YOU’RE IN A RELATIONSHIP, SANDY AND TIM. Delete your Facebook if you want to be a “We’re above the fray” brat.

Admittedly, I hide my status, but do as I say, not as I do. And I did it before it was a thing, aka high school, because it gave me that mystery vibe, and it’s not like I’m hiding I’m single. Really, I hide it so if people want to know if I’m single – wait, are they interested in me?! – they have to ask. To my face. Because that happens all the time. Not.

Because guess what? No one’s going to ask! We’re just going to ask our friends who may ask their friends until we all know. Facebook just lets us circumvent these hoops and mountains. So register it.